Big Fat Black Greek Lies: ...And The Fake Greeklings That Tell Them...

Alejandro Ford

I often wonder why so many of these letter-obsessed Greeklings — who I refer to as pinky flashers, chimp-sicles, elephant stompers, qorn-dogs, cane fumblers and left over if-all-else-fails-join-us-ers — hide behind wonderfully glossy reasons for pledging rather than keeping it chitlin’ funky with us non-Greekers and saying: “I hopped on-line because — well — I M@#$% F@#$%@ wanted to!”


I mean DAMN, why LIE?!? — so you pledged for the flashing lights, networking opportunities and gratuitous party strolling — Be real! …If your letter lusting azz didn’t do a Mary Poppins teaspoon worth of community service before you crossed why the F@#$ would you pretend to be some sort of tree hugging philanthro-Greek after getting a jacket, major status boost and brand new BFFs?! …


That’s just how twisted our generation is — we’re so damn selfish and don’t give a F@#$ about preserving the integrity of these organizations or care why any of them were even founded, which is why I’ll never understand why so many of these pathetic pan-hellions front so damn hard on their letters.


To me, it’s these year-round jacket rockers with no sense of tradition that have sullied the sanctity of Greekdom and done nothing but plant deeply rooted seeds of divisiveness, bitterness and resentment in the minds of young African-Americans on these notoriously cliquish HBCU campuses and in the pay-and-you’re-in post-grad pledge arenas.


Seriously, what the F#@$ happened to the brotherly/sisterly unity, scholastic excellence and commitment to community service that every one of these delusional Divine 9-ers pledged to advocate until the day that their hearts stopped beating?!? …


Maybe I’m still jaded by my alma mater’s irksome brand of Greek life, but I’d say those ideals sloshed into the same dark patch of earth that my Szechuan smothered sh*ttle slops now reside before being replaced by new-age principles that include: party-more-service-less semesters, nightly pledgee trouncings and healthy doses of Greek-on-Greek violence.


…Yeaaaa I know — who the F@#$# am I to bash the almighty Greek establishment and its overhyped members?!? …Hm… just a nobody I guess — If anything, I’m an opinionated non-Greeker who used to drive my homeboy across town at 4 in the morning to find burger-less hamburgers for his ‘big bruhs’ and the senioritis-stricken slacker who witnessed a portion of his alma mater’s female population turn against each other on some petty Greek sh*t.


I’m also the ex-boyfriend of a Delta wanna-be whose heart turned arctic cold when my mother, who is a Delta, declined to write her a letter of recommendation to pledge.


But then again, I’m not allowed to say these things in public …right?! I’m just supposed to sit back and watch my peers trade their souls for three funny letters, extra smedium jackets and all-access passes to the magical Greek trees/sidewalks/walk-ways on college campuses everywhere. Hmph… I say: F@#$ that sh*t!


And NO, I never felt compelled to pledge any of the oft-suspended frats during my four year stint at Hampton nor did I ever express interest in doing so. I was more concerned with perfecting my craft in the J-school radio station/newsroom than proving myself to a bunch of former-nobodies and super duper seniors who cared more about right-hooking, upper cutting and humiliating me more than graduating and moving on with their lives.


Now if you’re Greek and have an issue with this blog then you’re probably one of these Grade A Greekness gloaters who spend more time reppin’ their frats/sororities on campus, in public or on Facebook/Myspace than doing anything worth mentioning like community service or fundraising.


Trussssst me, we get it! …You’re Greek and damn proud of it — sooo proud, in fact, that you’ve failed to realize that there were other reasons why you slipped out of the womb than to squawk wildly like endangered wildlife in random bars/lounges/eateries, instigate pointless squabbles by party strolling through non-Greek sponsored parties and actively reinforce the somewhat true stereotypes about Black Greeks that Spike Lee sharply satired in his classic film School Daze.


Instead of being angry and fronting like what I’ve said isn’t true, I urge all of you phony Greeklings to use this blog as motivation to pull your selfish asses away from these exclusive azz trees, sidewalks and shady nooks and find your way to someone’s Diabetes/Cancer/Heart disease walk, homeless shelter or local youth center to make a damn difference.


Oh yea, and make sure that ya’ll scrounge up some of these fraudulent azz post-gradlings — who flaunt their new-found Greekness harder than the undergrad-ers who actually went through a real process — to join you on these service runs.


And with that said, I’d like to acknowledge ALL of my Greek friends and members of active Greek chapters who pledged for all of the right reasons, worked to provide hope to the hopeless in their surrounding communities and never allowed their three little letters define or complete them as individuals.

The opnions expressed in this article dont necessarily express the views of EMQ Networks and its associated brands.